Wednesday, October 31, 2012

Links to a Palaver About "The Wind Through the Keyhole"

Happy Halloween, all!

I just wanted to bring a couple of links to your attention.  I recently took part in a palaver with Bryan McMillan (author of the blog Dog Star Omnibus) about The Wind Through the Keyhole.  It was a lot of fun, some good points were raised, and he was kind enough to corral the whole thing and post it on his blog in glorious two-part format.

There'll be a part the third one of these days, too, but we're going to hold off on having that part of the palaver until he's finished reading his way through the rest of the series.

Go check out the first two parts, though, and have a nose around the rest of his blog, too.  He's been reading his way through the entirety of King's canon, and blogging about it along the way.  Great stuff!

Tuesday, October 30, 2012

A Review of Creepshow III (a.k.a. Creepshow 3)

In July, when I finally finished writing my epic post ranking all the King movies from worst to best, the endeavor was thrown ever-so-slightly out of whack because of the fact that I'd never gotten around to watching Creepshow III.  Here is the excuse I gave for not having seen it:

DISCLAIMER:  I have never actually seen this movie.  So is it fair for me to put it at the absolute bottom of the list?  Well, no.  However, since I've seen every other piece of shit fauxquel and ripoff "based" on King's work, I assume that there can only be one reason why I keep forgetting to watch this one:

Obviously, I am receiving subliminal messages from Captain Tansy Valanjean, a rogue time agent in the year 4976 who has determined that the point in time when everything went wrong (and the events which
brought will bring about The Dark Age 2.0 were set in motion) is inextricably related to my having viewed a film called Creepshow III.  Defying her superior officers and the orders of the Chrono-Court, she has decided to try and save the future.

So, like, that means this has GOT to deserve to be at the bottom of the list.  Seriously, do you think Captain Valanjean would risk her neck with the C.C. if it wasn't important?

Yeah, me neither.

Of course, what she doesn't know is that I'm going to watch it anyways, sooner or later.  Let the future fend for itself; I've got to see it so that I know how bad this movie is.

It's debatable as to whether it ought to be included on the list at all, not because I've never seen it -- other than a rogue time agent from the year 4976, nobody (including me) gives a shit about THAT -- but because it has nothing to do with Stephen King's work, and is therefore not actually a Stephen King movie.  I won't argue that that isn't the case, because it demonstrably is.  So: why include it?

The short answer is this: because I feel like it.  The longer answer is this: because I feel like it, and also because while it might not have anything at all to do with Stephen King's work, it is a legally sanctioned continuation of a film series begun by King.  If nothing else, it -- and the various other similar fauxquels and ripoffs which will fill out most of this list's nether reaches -- will give me something to snark at.
And today, I stand before you to make the following declaration: be damned to ye, Captain Tansy Valanjean!  Let the future fall!  Yea, verily: for I now have seeneth the piece of moose feces that is Creepshow III (or, as it is alternatively spelled in the end credits, Creepshow 3)!  Balls to you, Tansy!  Balls, I say!

Joke's on me, though, 'cause in order for this to be the case, I had to actually watch the fucking thing.

And if you think I'm not going to share that misery with you, think again, my friend!  I've just consigned the future to death, so I see no need to spare you.

Friday, October 26, 2012

News from the Kingdom: October 26, 2012

Fresh out of an internet argument about whether Haven is or isn't a lousy television series -- it is -- here I am, bringing you another roundup on happenings in the big old world of Stephen King.

First up:

Stephen King in the library at Sussex Regional High School, 10/19/2012

I had a few cool Stephen King experiences in my high school library.  If I'm not mistaken, that library was what enabled my first readings of Christine and The Bachman Books and Different Seasons, and I can also remember researching old issues of Time and Newsweek and People for articles about King and reviews of his books and movies.

But if at some point, I had walked into my library and found Stephen King standing there, I'd've probably near-'bout shit a brick.

Thursday, October 25, 2012

Bryant Has Issues #21

Item the first: has anyone ever named a cat Korben Dallas?  If not, somebody should.  If not a cat, then a beagle.  I give unto you this idea, the world; use it wisely, use it well.

Item the second: I am on vacation, and my agenda over these seven remaining days is to Get Shit Done.  So let's Get some Shit Done right now.

The Man in Black?!?  That don't look like Johnny Cash to me; doesn't look like Will Smith, either.  Hell, doesn't even look like Tommy Lee Jones!

Wednesday, October 17, 2012

News from the Kingdom: October 16, 2012

Happy mid-October, boils and ghouls!

Which, yes, is a lame way to start off a blog post, but hey, whattaya want from me?  I spent most of the evening attending a reading by noted sci-fi/fantasy author Andy Duncan, whose work is so good that it makes these pathetic peckings of mine seem even lamer than they would already have seemed.  So I went with the first accursed line that popped to mind.  Give a poor blogger a break, willya?

Anyways, it's been a few weeks since I dashed off one of these columns, and the news has become backlogged, so let's get this convoy a-rollin'.

Most notable, I suppose, is the announcement that King's 2011 short story "The Little Green God of Agony" is being adapted as a web comic.

Friday, October 12, 2012

Bryant Has Issues #20

A quick consultation of my calendar informs me that this column is nearly three weeks overdue, which means that I've got a much larger list of comics to cover this week than would normally have been the case.  Which, in turns, means that this week's column will probably be short(er than normal) on substance.

My excuse is that I'm in total James Bond mode right now, so I've been spending most of my free time making excuses for Moonraker, or trash-talking the score to GoldenEye, or walking around and singing all three-syllable words to the tune of "Goldfinger."  Hey, what can I say?  I'm a nerd.

And, like most nerds, I love me some comic books.  Time once again to prove it by talking about how much I dislike new issues of them!

That'll have to wait a bit, though, because (unsurprisingly) I really liked American Vampire #31.

Thursday, October 11, 2012

Movie Review: "Argo" [2012], or: Spammers Are Cordially Invited To Suck A Bag Of Dicks

Dear readers,

You may notice that if you choose to leave a comment, you will now be prompted to complete a word-verification field.  Sorry about that; I'm not a fan of those things, and wanted to not use them here, but spammers seem to have discovered my blog, and I'm getting tired of deleting their comments.  So, I'm gonna let the ole word-verification obstacle trip as many of 'em up as possible.

That's not my primary business today, though.

This is my primary business today:

I know what you're thinking: "Bryant, Stephen King has NOTHING to do with Argo, so why are you wasting my time with a review of it?"